


Better Now Outtakes and Deleted Scenes

by orphan_account



Series: Better Now [3]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Outtakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-11
Updated: 2011-04-05
Packaged: 2017-12-03 23:11:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/703739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pretty much exactly what it says: things that didn't fit or were written to accompany my first Jake/Bella fic, Better Now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Edward Can't Keep

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Better Now](https://archiveofourown.org/works/419663) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 



**Raven's twimom wanted to see an Edward POV. I should add, I realize in the books that Alice never laid down an ultimatum about Jasper's feeding choices, but I can't respect someone who's all, "Oh, go ahead and eat people; I'll love you forever!" (The occasional slip-up is a different matter.) So, I changed that a bit. It's AU, baby, AU.**

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all its recognizable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

  


 

I am a monster.

I told her, over and over again, the truth about me. I told her about the way I could attract and hold her in my orbit, a solitary satellite around a lonely planet. How, should I grow old, even for one of my kind, and calcify into near-immobility like the Romanians, my scent and my sound and the skimming of my finger across her throat would still be enough to capture my prey.

I told her about the strength, and the speed. I told her about the burn in my throat when I scented her blood.

I didn't tell her everything.

We don't sleep. We don't dream, not the way she does, not the subconscious bringing to the forefront all of the worries and pleasures of an everyday human life in literal and symbolic form. I've witnessed those relivings over and over again, until I can predict the direction they'll take regardless whose mind is throwing the images at me.

(The reason I listened to her dreams was because of their mystery, her brief whispers and moans allowing me to create imaginary scenarios beyond the realm of human existence. Her secretive thoughts permitted me to pretend to myself that her mind was not so dissimilar to my own. That it was not so similar to every other human's.)

There are times, though, when we are caught up in our natural immobility— _natural,_ as if anything about this existence is natural, what an abomination—and our minds' play becomes the sum total of our awareness. Alice is the worst for this; her foresight casts a progressively wider net, outward and onward, following the trails of futures like the threads of a spider's web until she has spun a lovely wagon wheel of probabilities, bedewed with possibility and choice. If I would let myself, I could spend days, weeks, in voyeuristic enjoyment.

Jasper is far simpler. Blood. He tries not to imagine it, but he lived for so long on our true sustenance that he never, ever feels full. If he allows his mind to wander even for a millisecond, blood gushes into the confines of his imaginary mouth, rushing past his teeth and down his throat in an orgasmic flood, soothing the burn for the first time in… how many decades has he held out, now? He doesn't think about it; he thinks of Alice, and how this is her condition for their unity. At some point he is bound to ignore the victims' pain long enough to really _feed._ Once, I vaguely despised his weakness while respecting his commitment. Now, I merely close my eyes and relive the river of coppery warmth along with him. If only my self-loathing stemmed from such a simple source.

Carlisle remembers his transformation. It is the only thing to which his mind returns. The worst three days of his life, not because of the physical agony but because he had finally, finally proved that he was unworthy of his father's love.

Esmé gazes at the dead face of her baby boy and remembers what it was like to be able to shed tears.

Emmett is not a deep thinker. He's intelligent but primarily kinetic; if he can do something, anything, he's happy, and we can do so much that he's happy almost all the time. He was a human, now he is a vampire. His refusal to dwell upon this reality might be deliberate. I've never been able to determine whether or not he has made a choice not to think about… anything, really, except for the immediate.

Rosalie.

For almost eighty years she had me convinced that her mind was a shallow puddle. _I am so pretty. Look at my hair. Look at this body; it's amazing. Look at me look at me look at me. Look at me with Emmett. Look at us. I look so good with him. Look at me._ I ignored the evidence of depth, the talent for auto mechanics, the frequently-quashed hunger for a child, the willpower that kept her altogether pure of human blood, the sideways smile she'd reluctantly allow to slide across her lips when Emmett clowned to pull her out of an emotional valley.

(When I told Bella why I didn't mind being with Rosalie and Emmett, because their minds were so undemanding, she lowered her lashes to hide her thoughts even more, and murmured, "Even the coldest woman has mysteries." I disagreed, but she was right. She is always right, except when she chose me.)

I could hear Rosalie's recitation of her history, straining my power to its limit for just another glimpse of that heart-shaped face through the eyes of my sister. I'd never heard her go into the sordid tale, although while she burned I witnessed it on a constant loop through her awareness. I saw Bella's features flatten in shock, and then crumple into silent tears. At first I was struck by her empathy, but then I was struck by my lack thereof. For the first time, I prodded a little into Rosalie's mind and it _hit_ me, a Mack truck smacking into me with furious pain, rage and bitterness coiled around and through every moment. Her friend's little boy was the only image untainted by the cocktail of shame and anger. I saw the way she'd used the shallow musings to disguise her true thoughts from all of us, even upon occasion from herself; everyone except for Esmé, who saw the truth and loved her in the middle of it.

I am a monster.

Bella told me about the hole in her chest, but I didn't believe it. I thought it was a metaphor, that no human could love with the depth and intensity of one of the immortals. I thought that my suffering trumped hers; after all, she'd moved on. She'd gotten over me, at least enough to throw me out of her room, just as I'd hoped and dreaded. _She_ hadn't curled into a corner, a ball of angst and longing, as I had.

That was what I thought, until she told me about the cliff dive. Well, until she told me about her attempts to hallucinate my voice and then the cliff dive, which I had witnessed through Alice's mind on multiple occasions. The issue with not being able to sleep is that it means all of your nightmares occur during the waking hours, and Alice couldn't get the image out of her head—the girl she loved as a sister, trying to remove herself from this world, or so Alice had thought. I had seen it, but until Bella told me, I had not felt it. I could barely make myself travel home after I left her. I could barely move from the car to my room, and now I am here, and here I have stayed.

Alice is still furious with me for… so many things regarding Bella. But she loves me without interruption. I know she loves me, because I can feel her slender arm pressed around my shoulders now, hear the chiming tones of her voice as she subvocalizes the futures she sees for all of us, the future in which I can move again, the future in which I smile for the first time in two years when Emmett rips a door from its hinges and skips it ten times across the surface of Lake Michigan during one of his and Rosalie's fights. The future in which I become an obstetrician for a good forty years, moving from one hospital to the next, delivering the new life that I cannot create. The future in which Jasper and Alice live in the Middle East for over a decade because they can venture out in burqas during the daylight hours. The future in which Esmé and Carlisle live on Isle Esmé for—a while, Alice can't be sure how long—because Esmé discovers an affinity for sharks and wants to study them.

The future without Bella.

I know I'm worrying them all. I can hear their thoughts, clear and focused as human thoughts could never be—

_And then we'll all be heading to Antarctica, the orcas are amazing—_

_Like a damn pussy, babe, I said it before and I'll say it again—_

_The way my hair catches this light is so (if he doesn't pull out of this soon I may be forced to take drastic measures and I'm starting to like her, proximity is lowering my standards, like talking to a parrot and thinking it understands) lovely, this sweater really enhances my bosom—_

_It's not that, it's the despair, it reminds me too much of when I—_

_My son, listen to me, my son, this isn't the end, this won't be the end—_

_Even if she can't love him—why can't she love him, why can't she forgive him—but she did, she does, this is not her responsibility either—_

—So clear. Like a moonless night. The six stars that allow me to navigate the darkness of this hour.

And finally, the voice. Low-pitched for a girl and imperfect, originating from caverns of tissue and bone rather than stone, breathing too fast, too hard— _that's another thing I did to her, she never used to struggle to take in the air she needs_ —and trying so hard to sound calm that it hurts.

_Don't move. Don't move. Don't go after her she doesn't want me to go after her I'm done we're done—_

I tighten my grip on my knees, or I would, but I can sense that they are about to develop fractures.

Alice's voice continues, as do her thoughts, but I can no longer hear. My ears are possessed by the gradually slowing heartbeats sounding beneath us. The sloshing of her blood rushing in her veins.

_Don't move don't move_

_Don't scent her out it'll be too_

_Don't_

But her steps are heavy upon the stairs. I wait for my doom. I wait for my salvation.

Fire, burning my throat. Embers, resting upon my knees.

"Edward."

_Don't move don't cling don't keep_

The glowing coals drift across my skin. "Edward, it's me. It's Bella."

_As if I could mistake_

_Don't move_

My hands are... No, my shoulders, they're radiant with—

"Edward. Edward. Come back."

_I can't come back if I do I'll keep_

_Can't keep_

_Don't move_

I remember trying a cigar, just before the influenza struck, it was like becoming a chimney, all that sharp-edged heat, one of my few human memories to come with me into eternity—

This is a little like that. Curling in knife-lengths through where my lungs used to be (I've never seen a vampire autopsy so I don't know what's in there now)—

Bella's breath, as she whispers, "Come back to me."

I inhale, just to hold a part of her essence within my body, and then squander the slightest bit to whisper her name. "Bella."

She is still all of my heaven, in a form that inflicts the torments of hell.

"Edward." Sunshine moving through my hair. "Edward, I'm here. I'm here. Don't do this anymore, okay? Come back, just for a little bit." Heat wraps around my torso, holds me to the softness and all that breakable humanity. "Just for a little while, okay? You need to take care of yourself."

_Myself_

_You are my self_

_You made me a better self_

Alice is speaking, but I pay no attention. My world is embracing me.

"Do you hear that?" Hot breath wafting through my ear. "Your family is worried about you. They love you. I love you, too." _Not enough, not anymore, I've destroyed—_ "Edward, seeing you like this hurts us all. Please don't hurt me."

I can't hurt her again. Not again. I've hurt her almost more than her delicate mortal frame and psyche could bear—I almost robbed her of life by trying to save it from me. I try to tell her this, but all I can say is, "Bella." Isn't that enough?

"Yes, it's me. I'm really here; you're not imagining it. I came upstairs to see you."

She came to see me. She does still love me.

_Not enough_

_Not anymore_

_I've destroyed_

_I've destroyed myself_

Her warmth has returned some of my flexibility. Her concern forces me to move. Carefully, afraid they will shatter, I release my legs from my grip. I should stop myself, but my self-control has always been pathetic around this singular girl. I turn my head and bury my face in the multi-faceted chestnut of her hair. I can feel the blessed gentleness of her hands pull me against her.

(She still smells lovely, underneath the now-constant odor of wet dog. Perhaps I should thank Jacob Black for diluting the power of her scent. Perhaps I should kill him, for marring it.)

_Please don't be the last time_

"You came. To see me?" My voice sounds faded because I'm doing what I can to keep her breath with me.

"I didn't mean to come to the house, but I'm glad it happened—"

She didn't mean to come? How could she arrive here accidentally?

"I was with Rosalie and Emmett and they brought me here."

I listen.

_If I chose the blue ribbon to thread through my curls it would really make that shade of (thank goodness for frail human bodies, at least her bizarre connection with the mutt is good for something, I had no notion how to go about persuading her to deal with this) violet pop from the floral-print dress._

Oh, Rosalie.

"She used it as an excuse. The panic attack. She was trying to figure out a way to bring you regardless."

Bella nods against me. "I'm not surprised." She pulls away to look into my eyes. "She's your sister, Edward. She wants you to be all right. We all do. You're not doing well right now; your eyes are almost pure black. Why don't you go hunting with Emmett? You'll feel better when you've eaten."

I know I should reply, but all my energy goes to looking at her. This moment may have to be enough to sustain the rest of my time on this earth. Humans are so fragile… Every occasion we meet may be our last…

"Edward? Will you please go hunting so I won't worry about you? Can you do that for me, if you won't do it for you?"

I mustn't worry her further. I mustn't make her life even worse.

"All right. I can do that," I manage to reply. I stand, never removing my eyes from her face.

_Please let me look—_

It can't last, of course. Nothing human does. She murmurs, "Emmett?" even though he's downstairs. She's always adjusted to our capabilities so easily.

My brother's by my side almost instantly. "Hey, man. Let's get out there. See if you can kick a bear's ass before I get to it, huh?" _Hell, yeah, that son-of-a-bitch is going down, buddy._

We go to the window, but my feet refuse to move farther. Every step is another bit of distance from her, and I can't—I can't—

_Please don't let this be the last time—_

Emmett's arm is around my waist. _Jump, bro. We've gotta get out of here._ "Come on, Ed. Let's go."

He pulls me from the room. I begin running almost before my feet hit the ground.

No one ever told me that a satellite has its own pull, that if it spins away from its center to find another orbit, what's left behind is off-balance for eternity, searching for what changed the arc of its journey. It seems likely that no one knew.

This is the sort of knowledge I would have been content to leave undiscovered.

I can hear the catch in her throat that means she is trying not to weep as I rip through the forest, away from my life. I've brought her to tears again, just by being in the same room, just by allowing her to see the havoc her absence wreaks upon me.

I am a monster.


	2. Jacob Can't Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is something I solicited ideas for as I crept up on the 100-reviews mark for this story; it's a thank-you.This takes place between Chapter 15: Memory and Chapter 16: Flashback. I wrote an EPOV too, but it can't be read without spoiling a later chapter, so I'll post it after I post the chapter it spoils, too. This can be read at any point in the story, though, or taken separately. Occurs in AU Eclipse--Edward & Co. came back, and Bella broke up with him but remains friends with the Cullens.
> 
> Sunshine2006578 wanted a bonus scene; Dani-1995 wanted a Jake POV (or Quil, but this is the best I can do—hope it's good enough!). Raven's twimom came up with the idea for this outtake (thank you very much bb). I've messed with the werewolves' telepathic range a little bit.
> 
> Twilight and all its recognizable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer.

Okay, now this was just getting annoying.

I rolled over and punched the pillow a couple of times, as if hitting it would somehow make the damned thing comfortable enough for me to sleep, then collapsed facedown. Before a month ago, all I had to do was lie down—lie down _any_ -fucking-where—to go to sleep. Between patrols and growth spurts, I could sleep tied up like a pretzel any time I got the chance.

I waited for my eyes to close.

Shit.

It wasn't just that my mind wouldn't shut the hell up—I kept thinking over and over again _what's she doing? Is she okay? What's she doing?_ —it was that my body couldn't relax. Even worse, it had started hurting now, hurting every time I tried to get to sleep without Bella, or, if I could swing it, something that smelled like Bella. The sheets had been okay for a while, although nothing was as good as the real thing _(oh God, when she was on top of me the other day in the garage I thought I was gonna explode, they'd find tiny pieces of used-to-be-Jake all over the place)_. My dad had washed everything he could get his hands on, though, so whatever was left from when she'd spent the night had been drowned by Gain. I kept on telling him to buy the unscented, but he forgot; now my bed smelled like I'd rubbed a new car air freshener all over it.

I flipped over onto my back and threw my arm over my eyes. My _bones_ throbbed, and the palms of my hands had started aching too in these weird bursts that started in the center and pushed outward, all the way up my arms and into my chest. It felt like a reverse heart attack or something. Palm attack? Whatever, it was fucking annoying and I still _couldn't sleep_ , Goddamn it.

I lifted up my phone and tilted my arm away from my eyes enough to check the time. Three a.m. Great.

Fuck this shit. I rolled out of bed and dived out the window, not even bothering to get my clothes, and phased before my feet hit the ground, taking off into the trees.

Instantly, Quil and Paul started up with the teasing.

_Ooh, he can't sleep, Quil!_

_It's because he's in looooove._

_No, it's because he's cabbing it, dude._

Confusion from Quil; hard as it was to believe, he'd never heard that one.

_Constant Annoying Boner, dipshit. CAB-ing. Jake's had a hard-on for Bella for… How long's it been, Jake?_

_Fuck off,_ I thought at them. The thing was, there were way too many ways to hit back at Quil. It was like shooting fish in a barrel, but it wouldn't be fair.

 _That's Bella's job,_ he replied, but his heart wasn't really in it. I could sense the obsession with Claire trying to take over. _The way she says my name is so adorab—No. No. No._

Paul tried to distract him. _Hey, Quil, how long do you figure it'll take him to get to Bella's house?_

_I dunno; does frustration make him run faster?_

I actually hadn't thought about going to Bella's house until Paul suggested it, but… Hell. Now I wasn't going to be able to think about anything else. _Bella's house Bella's scent Bella's room_  
 __  
Hey, why don't you just climb a tree and watch her undress while you're at it? Paul asked in disgust. _With these wolf eyes you don't even need binoculars._  
 _  
I wouldn't do that!_ I argued, stung by his tone. _I'm just so damn tired, is all… If I can catch her scent I might be able to get some sleep._

 _Yeah. That's not creepy or anything,_ Quil said.

I was so sleep-deprived that I couldn't stop the thought before it flew at him. _You'd know all about creepy, asshole. Why don't you go snuggle your toddler soul mate?_

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Shock, fury, and shame combined into a tsunami coming from both of them, almost knocking me off balance. I dug my claws into the dirt and slid to a stop, panting and pawing at my head like that would shut off the feelings. I couldn't believe I'd said it. I didn't even mean it.

 _Jesus, Jake,_ Paul finally managed. _You need to calm the fuck down. Go down to Forks if that's what it takes for you to stop acting like a bastard. Maybe you should tell Bella to quit being such a dick tease so you can get laid._  
  
Quil didn't say anything. That was worse.

 _Okay. Okay. I'm—I'm going. I'm really sorry, Quil._ I spun on my hind legs and started heading south, putting distance between our minds as quickly as I could. The closer I got to Forks, the more they faded; Leah was the only one who could have a real conversation from this far away, and the only one that worked with was Sam—which bugged the hell out of both of them. The rest of us could just swing general feelings at each other unless Sam was boosting the… signal or whatever.

I could smell the Swan house a few miles out, but Bella's scent was so mixed into the others that it was just frustrating. It was one of the weirder parts—like it wasn't _all_ weird—about the werewolf thing: as a human, I led with my eyes, but in this body I led with my nose. I sped up even more, pine needles and soil flying from beneath my paws, until at last her window came into view. Slowing down to a walk, I pricked my ears in her direction.

"You're _such_ a _bitch_!" was the first thing I heard, which would have made me guffaw if I'd been human. Bella would never be that in-your-face in real life. It sounded like her subconscious let out her feisty side at night.

Her voice subsided into wordless mumbles. I found a hollow in the dirt and collapsed onto my belly, panting and, yeah, slobbering, because being a werewolf was all about the sexy. When I inhaled, I could catch her smell. _Bella hair Bella skin Bella sweat Bella Bella Bella_

" _My_ Jacob," Bella said, her voice coming from the open window as clearly as if she'd been standing next to me. " _Mine_."

Heh. Too bad she'd never said that to me when she was awake. I'd love to give her shit about being that possessive… Actually, I liked it. I liked it way too much. I wanted to be her Jacob so bad I was ready to beg.

"I love you, Jake. Love you so much…"

Oh, Christ. I was going to die. They were going to find my naked body stone cold out here in the morning. Even in _this_ body, I could barely breathe. A whine escaped from between my teeth.

"Love you love you love you… Wish I knew… Wish I knew if… _in_ love…"

God, she was good at kidding herself. She _was_ in love with me; just because she wasn't begging me to kill her á la Cullen didn't mean she wasn't. I just wasn't sure whether or not it was enough; I was almost positive she was still in love with him, too.

"Don't be sad… Sorry, honey," she whispered. I squeezed my eyes shut. If she called me that when she was awake, I might as well hand my heart over on a platter. Oh, hell, who was I kidding? I'd served that dish up months ago.

"Dad?" Phew. Okay, if she was going to talk to Charlie maybe I could get some sleep. I settled down, resting my head between my front paws. The breeze picked up a little, and her scent filled my nostrils again. Every muscle in my body went limp with relief. Great. Claire and I both needed lovies to go to sleep now.

"Don't worry, Charlie," Bella breathed.

The direction of the wind shifted slightly, and the new stench hit me like an ocean of bleached gardenias. I lurched to full attention, a growl ripping out of my chest before I recognized the smell: the psychic leech. She danced out of the clearing and into my line of sight.

"What are you doing here, mutt?" she demanded, softly enough that nobody but we mutants could hear.

I pinned my ears back against my skull and bared my teeth at her.

"I'm keeping watch," she gritted out between her own tiny, perfect teeth. "You needn't have made the trip. I wish you wouldn't, in fact. It interferes with my ability to see."

Oh, fuck _off_ , Crossing Over. Why wasn't she keeping watch during all those months when Bella had walked around trying to hold the pieces of her chest together? I snarled, raising my hackles. She curled her lip and hissed.

We tried to out-stare each other for a whole minute, then her shoulders slumped and she turned away slightly, looking up at the window. "I suppose I can understand why you wouldn't believe her welfare concerns us. Concerns me," she said mournfully. Inside her room, Bella moaned. The thin lines of the vamp's eyebrows pinched together. "I do love her, Jacob Black." She shot a sideways glance at me, and then smiled mischievously. "Not the same way _you_ do, you understand."

I barked once with laughter before I caught myself, and then I had to fight off the image of the two of them going at it. Jesus, Jake. Get a grip. That's too perverted even for you. Like a leech could ever fuck a human without snapping her in two… _God. Stop._  
  
"But… Do you realize what she means to me? _Change_. Unpredictability. Choices. She's so human, and she wants to be around me… I don't think I had any human friends even when I was human myself. The only friend I had was the vampire who turned me." I snorted; she shook her head without looking at me. "I know that must sound repulsive to you."

Damn right it did. _Gee, the only friend I ever had made me undead like him_. Holy hell.

"But Bella… She's different because she _sees_ us. She knows what we are and doesn't recoil, doesn't run, doesn't scream. She just wants to know us. She's so… matter-of-fact about the whole thing."

I guessed I could understand that. I remembered Bella saying on the beach, back when I'd finally gotten through to her, _It's not that you're a… wolf. That's fine,_ and the huge wave of relief that had swamped me when I heard her so casually accept the freak show that was my new life. These bloodsuckers went to bizarre lengths to try to blend in with the humans who were their natural—or unnatural, whatever—prey. Maybe part of the reason behind the act was because they wanted to be accepted on some level.

The psychic turned back to me, squaring her teeny shoulders. "I would do anything to keep her safe, Jacob Black. Anything."

Just as she said the last word, the breeze shifted again, blowing past us directly into Bella's window. I heard her inhale, gasp, and then…

 _"Nooooo! Nooooo! Nooooo! Edward don't leave me don't leave me don't please don't please dooooon't!"_ The screaming sounded like it was rupturing the muscles of her throat. No wonder she was always hoarse after one of these nightmares. I could hear the rustling of her arms and legs as they flailed in her blankets.

It scared me so much, even though I knew what was going on, that I collapsed right out of the wolf into human form on the ground, panting and shivering and feeling like I was going to be sick. My fingers curved into the dirt for a second, helping me find my balance. I swallowed back the bile and raised my head to see the vampire frozen, one little hand thrown over her mouth, as she stared up at the window. After a minute, Bella started crying. I could hear Charlie stand up, pace back and forth, and then get back in bed. He was way too used to this.

I would never be used to this.

Slowly, the leech pivoted on her expensive-smelling high heel to gape at me, wide-eyed, hand still over her mouth. She looked horrified.

I nodded, gulped back more puke, nodded again. "Yeah. Yeah. That's what…" I was shaking too bad to talk; I stayed in a crouch and focused on calm. I'd gotten better at that since I'd started phasing. After a second, I could start again. "That's what she needs protection from, way more than the red-head. Can you keep her safe from that? Can you guard her from the nightmares he left behind?"

She shook her head back and forth, tiny little movements that screamed helplessness and grief. I felt a flash of pity; she really did love Bella.

When I spoke, my voice surprised me with its gentleness. "Maybe you should only come if her window's closed."

"That might be wise," she whispered. The sound of Bella's sobs punctuated her words.

We gazed at each other for another minute, and then she was gone. Bella kept on crying. I hoped _I_  wasn't going to cry. It sucked major balls to hear her going through this and not be able to help.

Finally, I decided that even if I couldn't touch her, I could still talk. "Bells," I said, just loud enough for her to hear me. Her breath caught. "Bells, it's okay. You're okay."

She moaned a little; she was still asleep.

"Honey, it's okay. It was just a bad dream. I'm here, okay?"

"Jake…" she sighed, tears still in her voice, and, oh, shit, my heart just split in two. I rubbed my chest with my fist, trying to press away the physical pain. "Jake, stay."

"I'll stay," I promised. "I'll stay as long as you need, okay?"

"Okay," she murmured. "Love you."

I had to clear my throat. "Love you too, Bells." My arms were aching again, but this time I knew why: I needed her in them, pressed against me. I was seriously going to die if I couldn't hold her soon. I gulped air in past the painful tightness in my lungs.

Her breathing slowed and evened out. A few minutes later, I could phase back to my wolf form and settle back down, breathing along with her. Okay. Okay. We were all right now. We were okay. Maybe I'd even believe it after a while.

Bells shifted, sighed again. I closed my eyes as her scent washed over me, unknotting the tension. The sound of her heartbeat sent me to sleep.


	3. Deleted scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.
> 
> This outtake is a deleted scene, occuring between chapters 25 and 26. Given the givens, I think it's okay for Jake to be a little too perfect now and then, but my pre-reader for this story insisted that if people hadn't figured stuff out that they'd just be rolling their eyes, which is my nightmare scenario. So, out it went. Unbeta'd, because I didn't want to waste her time.

When I opened my eyes, the window was dark and the streetlight still glowed. In Forks that didn't mean much, but I didn't feel too rested so I figured it was still pretty early. I rolled over to see Jacob wide awake and looking at me.

"Hey," he said, like he'd been waiting for me. His fingers traced the gap between my shirt and my underwear, making me shiver.

"Hi," I murmured, running my tongue around my teeth experimentally. I still had toothpaste mouth. Great; I must've slept less than a couple of hours. "Why are you awake? How did I wake up?"

"I don't know how you woke up," he said with a shrug. "You seemed pretty out of it."

It didn't escape my notice that he hadn't answered my first question. "Are you okay?"

"Mostly." He progressed from fingertips to his whole hand, rubbing the skin back and forth. It felt good but it was pretty distracting. I put my hand over his to make him stop.

"What's up, Jake?" I inched closer and rolled against him, putting my head in the crook of his arm.

"I hate that you still think all that stuff about yourself." He sounded sad.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I knew I shouldn't have told you, I just was too tired and… I don't really believe it, Jake. Not really. It's just when I'm exhausted that all that old stuff comes up and… I really shouldn't have said it to you." I put my arm around him, stroking his back.

"Nah, I think you believe it. I think you just do a better job of arguing with yourself when you're not worn out." He _was_ sad. I could feel it rolling off of him in regular, painful waves, like the echoes of heartbeats.

"I'm not as bad as I used to be," I said after a moment. "I wish I wasn't so messed up, but it _is_ getting better, right? I mean, I don't have to walk around clutching my chest more than fifty percent of the time now." I said it teasingly, trying to get a laugh out of him, but he just gave me a half-hearted smile. "Jake." I pulled back a little to look in his face. "Honey, don't." I reached up to run my hand through his hair. He leaned into my touch.

"That's the first time you've called me honey," he murmured, closing his eyes as I ran my fingernails over his scalp. "And have I told you I love when you do that?"

"No, but I've noticed." I stretched up to kiss him, but stopped right before I got to his mouth as sudden insight struck. "Hey, is this about Edward?"

His eyes opened, and I could see it there in the dim light from the streetlight. Caught.

"It is? Jake…" The realization took my breath away for a second. Of course he would think that. Earlier I'd shown how much power my breakup with Edward still held over my thoughts. Of course he was still scared. What certainty had I given him? Only my love, and love could change or vanish or be mutilated beyond recognition by circumstance. How could I reassure him? I tried to marshal my thoughts, but it was difficult when I was this close to him; my body just wanted to jump him and my mind just wanted to go to sleep. "Jake, you know, I felt that way about myself before I ever met him."

"Are you serious?" he demanded, eyebrows clamping into a furrow of anger. "Why the hell did you think that?"

I shrugged, feeling naked and wishing we could have this conversation when we weren't in each others' arms. "I dunno, I guess I felt like if I'd tried harder my parents would've stayed together, and I know that's stupid, but hey, I was little. Renée always told me it wasn't my fault, and Charlie never said anything, but I believed it even after I knew it wasn't true, you know? If I wasn't enough to make my parents' marriage work out, then maybe I just wasn't _enough_ at all. Did you know I had like, two friends in Phoenix?" He shook his head dumbly. "It's true. I couldn't talk to anyone because I was so sure they wouldn't like me. Then I moved here and _everybody_ kept trying to talk to me. And then I met Edward, and he was so amazing, I couldn't figure out what he saw in me, so when he dumped me, I just figured he'd seen through whatever tricks I'd pulled to make him imagine I was special or something."

I traced the lines of his pecs: over, around, under. Over, around, under. "And then we started hanging out… You _saw_ me. You didn't have some elevated ideas about how exceptional I was, or how incredible—"

"You _are_ —" he began, but I put my finger over his mouth.

"Let me finish—I was broken, Jake. I knew it, you knew it, everybody knew it. You saw me and you still wanted to be around me, even though I couldn't put on a happy face or pretend." He kissed my finger; I let it drop. "I didn't have to work to be anything besides crazy-ass depressed Bella who couldn't keep her act together when her weird boyfriend left town. You didn't care. You thought I was enough even then. It just took me a while to realize I was enough with you. I had to get better first, and then I had to do the whole thing with Edward too, and then I had to realize that I actually _like_ most of me when I'm with you, even my body—"

"What do you mean, _even_ your body?" he demanded.

"Well, you know." This was embarrassing. I focused on his neck instead of his face. "It's, um, it's not awesome or anything. It's sort of irritating, how I always hurt myself and trip and make an idiot of myself, and I can't even get it together enough to play tennis, for God's sake, and I kind of hate it sometimes… Um… Say something, I don't like talking about this stuff."

Jacob just looked at me, his face dead serious and unreadable. I looked back, unable to continue.

Finally, he leaned over so that he had one arm on either side of me. He kissed my forehead, my nose, my temples. He kissed my cheeks and my earlobes and my mouth and my chin. He buried his face in my hair and kissed my head under the thick tangles. He kissed my neck, on either side, and then in the middle just over my Adam's apple. He kissed the hollow between my collarbone and my neck; he kissed my shoulders and my chest, just above my breasts.

"Jake, what are you—" I breathed, but he just lifted up the hem of my shirt. I helped him get it over my head and then lay back again. His mouth moved to my breasts, but he only kissed them—no tongue, no sucking, just kisses. He kissed my nipples and my breastbone, the insides of my elbows and wrists, the palms of my hands and then each fingertip. He kissed my ribcage and my stomach, lips pressed to the indentation of my bellybutton. My thighs, my knees, my calves, my feet, each of my toes, one after the other—all received the same careful acknowledgement.

My body caught fire from the heat of his lips; my throat ached from the sweetness.

He worked his way back up, unhurriedly returning to areas he'd already visited, and hovered over the area my underwear still covered. My thighs tensed automatically, but he just nuzzled my panties and then kissed me there, too, before stretching out beside me once more and pulling me into his arms. I could feel the evidence of his arousal pressed against my leg, but for once I perceived no urgency emanating from him.

"Bella," he said finally. Just that; just my name and nothing else.

"Jacob?" I tried to say, but it came out wavering and weak.

His sadness had vanished; in its place I only felt the usual peace. He said my name again, and turned me so that I faced away from him, holding me tightly. I could feel his heart pounding against my back, and I knew its beat matched the rhythm in my own chest. Within seconds, he went limp with sleep behind me. I followed him immediately.

 

When I woke up with my alarm, he was gone. I wondered if the whole thing had been a dream, but then I saw the piece of paper on my desk. There, in Jacob's sloppy handwriting, I read, _Every part of you is amazing. Sorry I had to go early but Quil and Embry are going to follow you to school. Good luck with finals. Love, Jake._

"Oh, my _God_ ," I said in disbelief. How could he be so perfect? Was he really sixteen? I thought about pinching myself but I was afraid it would wake me up.

I got ready as best as I could and staggered down the stairs to find Charlie standing in the kitchen, reading the newspaper.

"Most people go online for that now, Dad," I teased him. "C'mon, save a tree."

"We've got lots of trees around here," he muttered absentmindedly, lifting his coffee mug and sipping. I headed for the coffeemaker and poured myself a cup. He lifted his eyebrows; I never drank coffee. "Long night, Bells?"

"Studying," I explained, going to the fridge for half-and-half.

"Well, tell Jake to stop keeping you up so late, and then you won't have to wear yourself out," he said.

I started and dropped the half-and-half. The lid popped off, and a quickly-spreading puddle gushed out onto the linoleum. "Oh, crap. Hand me those paper towels?" I grabbed the roll from his outstretched hand and busied myself wiping up the mess so I could avoid his face, even though I knew my own had to be red.

After I threw the soaked towels away, I wiped my hands off on my jeans and turned to face him. "Um… So…"

"I'm the chief of police, Bells, not Barney Fife," Charlie remonstrated with a sardonic look. "You think I'm not going to notice what's going on right under my own nose?"

Well, yes, that was exactly what I'd thought. And who the hell was Barney Fife? I opened my mouth to try to explain, but I couldn't say anything, so I just stood there looking like a fountain whose water supply had been cut off.

"Still being safe?" he demanded.

I snapped my mouth shut and nodded.

"You going to stick with him? If you mess with his head, Billy's never gonna let me hear the end of it."

"Yes," I whispered. _Assuming he doesn't imprint on anyone else, Charlie, because he's a werewolf and everything._

He pointed at me. "If he bruises up your neck again I'm going to have to talk to him."

"He won't," I said, more strongly this time.

He nodded, satisfied. "Well, you're eighteen. I figure it's better for you to practice making your own decisions here instead of when you leave home."

"Okay, um, thank you?" I cautiously edged past him to get my coffee.

"Tell him to stop climbing in through the window," Charlie added, flipping up his newspaper again. "You can let him in through the front door like a regular person. And you'd better not even think of giving him a key or letting me know he's spending the night. Just count yourself lucky that age of consent's sixteen here, because I'd hate to have to arrest my own daughter."

"Yeah, thanks for… not doing that," I replied, retreating with as much dignity as I could. "Okay, good talk!"

"Yeah," he grunted as I opened the front door. I took one sip of the coffee and made a face, dumping the rest out on the ground as I went to the truck.

School seemed like a refuge after that. I went through the motions and apparently convinced everyone I'd paid attention, because my remaining finals were a breeze. Even when I turned in the _Wuthering Heights_ book report days late, Mr. Berty just said, "It's been a pleasure having you as a student, Bella." Apparently all you had to do to win a teacher's heart was not talk and turn in assignments somewhere near their due dates.

After I walked through the front door, I pulled out my phone and texted Jacob. _Done! You're officially dating an ex-high-schooler._

 _Sweet,_ he replied. _Living the dream._

_So, had a talk w Charlie. He knows everything._

Jake _: Everything? ;)_

_Not the werewolf thing. But he knows you've been coming over & jumping thru the window._

Jake _: WTF?_

_Yeah. Police notice stuff like that, go figure._

Jake _: He gonna shoot me when I come over?_

_No. So weird. He wants you to use the front door though. And "be safe."_

Jake _: Shit._

_Uh-huh. Coming over tonight?_

Jake _: No. Sorry. Gotta watch the rez._

I stumbled and almost fell, but a cold hand grabbed my arm and steadied me. "Are you all right, Bella?" Jasper asked.

I tried to look at him and smile, but the effort failed somewhere between intention and action. "I'm fine," I said anyway, which I knew was lame, because if anyone would know when I lied about my feelings, it was Jasper.

"Where's Jacob?" he asked.

How had he made that connection? "At the rez," I said; my voice sounded devastated even though I knew it was stupid. _Come on, Bella, get a grip._ "He can't come down tonight," I blurted, and Jasper's concern shifted to sympathy.

"I'm so sorry," he said, as if he were offering condolences for a loss, instead of hearing a human girl's idiotic disappointment about her boyfriend not being able to make it to her house one night out of ten.

I had now officially crossed the line into stupid. I shoved the unreasonable grief away and manufactured a better smile for him. "It's okay. Hey, where's Al—"

"Right here," she trilled, dancing into my line of sight. "Just a few days until your party, Bella!"

I felt my lips twist a little against my will. "Great!" I tried to enthuse anyway.

They both laughed at me. "It's okay, Bella," Alice reassured me. "I know you're not looking forward to it. My goal is to help you have fun in spite of yourself."

"You're always fun, Alice," I said. This time I meant what I said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bella doesn't know who Barney Fife is because I had a conversation with a very intelligent fourteen-year-old just a few weeks ago, and she didn't even know who Andy Griffith is. You should really Google that stuff if you're equally in the dark, y'all, because that's just un-American. (And if you're not from the U.S…. No worries. :-) )


	4. Quil, Embry, and Emmett

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS ONE HAS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER THIRTY. IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT YET, BE FOREWARNED.
> 
> NO, SERIOUSLY. I WARNED YOU.
> 
> For I Wanna Be Jacob's Imprint, who also wanted some info on what the boys called Bella's new hand. Thanks to WolfGirlAtHeart for pre-reading.
> 
> Twilight and all its recognizable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer.

"Cold Fire Fist."

"No, that's _too_ awesome. How about, 'Glitter Fury?'"

"Yeah! Fuck yeah, that's perfect!"

I woke up to the sounds of Embry and Quil talking to the big leech outside the Cullens' house. I should've known Sam wouldn't be able to leave well enough alone. Though, considering last time I visited I came back with my brains all over my chest, maybe it was understandable that the Lord High Alpha had decided to send some backup.

"No, no, that's not superheroine enough. Oh, I know! 'Stone Justice.'"

They all three burst into guffaws of laughter. Well, wasn't it peachy to hear them all get along as though we weren't natural enemies? Bella would be proud. Sam would probably be pissed the next time we all phased, but, oh well.

Thinking of Bella—I lifted my head to check on her. She was still passed out and drooling a little on my arm. It was cute, and I was so totally ridiculous about her if I could think that about her dripping saliva onto my skin. I wished I could blame imprinting but probably it was all me. Moving slowly, I eased her head off of my arm and got up out of bed, wiping off the drool with a corner of the sheet.

As soon as I stepped into the hallway I saw Rosalie standing outside the door—guess it was her turn to take watch. They never left Bella alone, which I appreciated. "Hey, Blondie. Bella says she wants—"

"Mouthwash. I heard," she said witheringly. "And my _name_ is _Rosalie._ "

"Yeah, whatever, you all smell the same to me. Hey, can you get some air freshener too? She's complaining about the stench."

She rolled her eyes. "If she can get used to sleeping with you, mutt, then I'm certain she's not upset by our scent. God knows I had to listen to her enthuse about it often enough when she was dating Edward."

And that reminder took the fun right out of the equation, so I headed outside. Embry and Quil had arranged themselves to face the big one—Emmett, that was his name, and Bella would be mad if I forgot again—so that the wind blew to their sides, taking the scent away from vampire and werewolves to make the conversation as easy as possible. "What're you guys talking about?"

Instantly, Embry and Quil's faces took on expressions of angelic innocence. "Nothin'."

I narrowed my eyes. "Bullshit. What's 'Stone Justice' about?"

Quil sputtered. Embry wheezed a little. Emmett broke into full-fledged laughter.

"It's just that we thought she'd—" Quil started, and broke off with a guilty glance at Embry.

"She's not quite human anymore," Embry explained, as if this was a school presentation and he'd forgotten his PowerPoint. "She's a mutant now. Almost one of us."

"Almost one of _them,"_ Quil added, indicating Emmett with a jerk of his chin.

"These changes come with a certain measure of responsibility," Embry continued. "She's going to have to turn vigilante."

"Tackle bad guys," Quil agreed.

"Pin varmints to the wall like they were donkeys at a birthday party," Emmett elaborated.

"You guys are such fuckheads," I said, but I was already grinning.

"So—" Quil took a deep breath, and said in a rush, "She needs a superhero nickname."

"I already told her I was gonna call her Blade," I said.

They greeted this with a chorus of derision. "Too unoriginal!" Embry proclaimed.

Quil said, "Too badass. Bella's not badass."

Emmett said, "I can't fit Wesley Snipes and Baby Bell into the same mental image."

"You should work on that," I informed him. "Okay, so I'm guessing it has to refer to the scarred hand?"

"Scarred my ass, that thing is a mutation!" Embry said indignantly. "Don't make it less cool than it really is, Jake."

"Yeah, okay, but just do me a favor and don't say it around Bells," I begged. "You know she'll be embarrassed and I don't want her to stop coming because of it."

"I've never known embarrassment to stop anyone from coming," Embry said.

"Girls are always embarrassed about the cool stuff," Quil scoffed simultaneously.

"Like what?" I wanted to know.

He thought for a second. "Like how their nipples get hard when they're cold."

I tried, but I couldn't hold back a snort of laughter at that. "Okay. Point to you. So what else did you come up with?"

"Ice Breaker," Embry started listing. "Five-fold Avenger, Cold Cock Block—"

"American Iceberg, which I said sounds too much like lettuce, Glitter Glacier, Rainbow Warrior," Emmett counted on his fingers.

"Because she can paint with all the colors of the wind," Quil said in a sickly-sweet falsetto. He added in a normal voice, "Or at least reflect with them."

"Granite Authority, and Polar Penalty," Embry finished, looking pleased with himself.

I pretended to think for a second, and then judged, "Pathetic. That's a pathetic effort, you guys."

Their mouths dropped open in identical expressions of outrage. "I'd like to see you do better!" Quil said finally.

"Nah. Can't do it. Bella'd find out and she'd be pissed. Let me know when you come up with something that doesn't suck, though." I started to go back inside. I got one foot in the threshold and then couldn't resist any more. "Prism Palm," I called over my shoulder.

"Sucks!" Embry and Quil replied before I closed the door.


	5. Bella's Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For WolfGirlAtHeart, who wanted Better Now sexytimes for her birthday. ¡Feliz cumpleaños mami! Thanks to grrlinterrupted for beta'ing.
> 
> Twilight and all its recognizable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer.

I woke up and rolled over, squeezing my eyes shut against the…

Sunlight. There was _sunlight_ streaming in through my window. Unbelievable. Of all the days for me to lose every excuse to stay in bed and sleep the hours away, it had to be this one. My hand went automatically to the hollow on the pillow next to mine. I splayed my fingers across the indentation left by Jacob's head before he'd had to leave in the dead of night. I missed him so much already. Good thing nobody could read my mind and see how pathetic he made me.

My cell phone beeped on the nightstand. Picking it up, I scrolled to the new text message… no, messages _._ Of course.

Rosalie: _Congratulations on not dying in June. Getting older is a blessing._

Not much for subtlety, are you, Rose?

Emmett: _Baby Bell, don't think for one damn minute you're getting away without a present._

Don't think for one minute I'm going to let you find me today, McCarty.

Alice: _Bella, you're going to get caught at either three or four-thirty because Jacob has to run patrols this afternoon. We're flying into SeaTac this morning._

Another text from her, sent sixty seconds after the first: _Not Edward. Don't worry._

Honestly. Having a psychic best friend—who knew when to call so she could talk to my boyfriend behind my back— was a real pain in the ass.

Edward: _Happy birthday, Bella._

A rush of tears stung my eyes, but I blinked them back. Yeah, thanks. Well, it couldn't be worse than last year's. At least this time I was ninety-five percent (given my history, that was as good as it was going to get) sure that no one would try to kill me on my birthday. Mostly because there would be _no party._

Not many of the wolf pack could afford cell phones—Jacob only had such a nice one because Rebecca and Rachel paid for it—but I had messages from Emily, Seth, and Quil. None from Jacob. I couldn't decide if I should be relieved he seemed to be following my strictures about the event or nervous about what he had up his sleeve. To Jacob, a birthday unacknowledged was, in his words, "total bullshit."

I replied "thank you" to everyone, because I was getting good at _being gracious,_ no matter what Jacob thought, and rose out of bed, wincing as I did so. My (human) arm still hurt when the weather changed, and my jaw didn't really want to recover either. Meat was so painful that I'd almost given up anything unprocessed. I felt old.

 _At least you're not in Depends,_ I heard Jacob's voice tease me in my head. _Although if you were you'd win the age contest for sure._

Make that old _and_ crazy.

I showered carefully—I did everything carefully now—and when I stepped out, wiped the mirror to look at my face. Nineteen. It hadn't added any obvious wrinkles or spots. My boobs were a little bigger, but I wasn't going to complain about that. My ass was rounder too, but I wasn't bothered by that change either. I still looked like me. Just… more grown-up. Now when I stood next to Jacob he didn't look like a cradle-robber.

I crossed the hall back to my bedroom, and almost jumped out of my skin when I saw him sitting on my bed. "Holy crap! You scared me! I thought you were on patrol or something."

"Nah, that ended at five so I went back home for a while."

I pretended to pout as I walked to stand between his legs. "You could've come here to sleep. I miss you when you're not around."

"Well, see, here's the problem." He spoke as if considering an item on the agenda of a meeting while his eyes fastened on my cleavage, exposed by the hem of the towel wrapped around my torso. "When I come to your house to sleep, I have to come in through the door now or your dad gets pissed. But if I come through the door at five a.m., he gets even more pissed. Then again, when I show up at five a.m. and have crazy wild sex with his daughter, he's ready to shoot me. There was that one time—"

"Nooo, don't remind me," I moaned, clapping my hands to my face. "I still want to die of embarrassment when I think about it."

"He didn't see anything." Jacob grinned and ran one finger under the edge of the towel along my upper thigh.

I shivered at the burn he left on my skin, but even that wasn't enough to make up for the memory. "He heard _everything!_ He heard me ask you to—ask you to—oh my God it's _awful_."

"You weren't so much asking as you were _ordering_ me to do you." He spoke absently. His finger slid underneath the overlapping cloth, tracing a line up my stomach.

I caught his hand in my own. "I am so not in the mood right now. Just _thinking_ about it is enough to make me want to cross my legs for life."

Jacob laughed at me and planted a kiss between my breasts. "Can't have that, honey. I have to go, anyway. I've got a quiz due before eleven today."

I made a pouty face. "Can't you take it here on my computer?"

He rose and lifted his hands to cradle my face. "Nope. You're too good at distracting me. I'll fail."

I raised my own hands to encircle his wrists. "I guess I'll see you later, then."

He searched my eyes, and his expression softened. "Hey, are you okay?"

I shrugged. Sure, I felt like crying, but it wasn't really about getting older. It was more that the past year, the most eventful of my life, had come to an end and I still had no idea where I was going or what I was doing. At least I was still breathing. Rose was right, that was a plus. "I'm fine. I've definitely had worse days." I slid my arms around his neck, ignoring the twinge of pain on one side and uncomfortable heat on the other. "After all, I got to see _you._ That makes it better already." I frowned, looking up at him. His smile wasn't quite as bright as normal. "Are _you_ okay?" Something was bothering him, I could tell that much, but I couldn't figure out what.

"I'm better than I was ten minutes ago." He ducked his head to kiss me. The instant our lips touched, the nervous tension that had my shoulders somewhere around my ears lifted. I smiled against his mouth. Jacob kissed his way down my jaw to my ear, sliding his hands down to rest against my ribs just under my breasts. " _Much_ better," he murmured into my skin. With a twitch of his fingers, the towel fell down around my ankles.

I sighed and giggled at the same time. "If you end up missing your quiz, you can't blame me."

He froze. "Shit. I totally forgot for a second." We both laughed as he straightened. "Okay. You _will_ see me later. I've got—"

"Patrols this afternoon. I know."

"Fucking Alice," he said, without much heat, and disappeared. A second later, I heard the back door slam.

# # #

The Cullens always worried about coming too close to Forks, now they knew that just steering clear of reservation land didn't keep the Quileute transformations at bay, so I drove to Port Angeles to meet them. I beat Alice's prediction by an hour. Everyone besides Edward and Jasper had made the trip. They gave me a bunch of gifts but didn't force me to open them, and bought me a birthday cake but didn't force me to eat it. I put everything in the back of the truck and then spent my hours with them in the library, where no sunshine could give them away. Emmett kept forgetting to keep his voice down and almost got us kicked out of the reference section twice.

Around five, Alice floated to her feet and crossed around the table to give me a careful embrace. "I've missed you _so much,_ Bella. Did you talk to Charlie about coming to see us around Thanksgiving?"

I nodded. "He said it was okay. I'm trying to find a new job, though, to start after Jake and I go to see my mom next month, so I might not be able to—"

"Oh no, they'll be fine with it," she said airily. "She just looked over your application and decided to give you a call."

"Okay," I said with a chuckle. "See you the last Thursday in November?"

"We'll be looking forward to it," Carlisle replied, standing and putting his arm around Esmé. "It's been wonderful to see you, Bella."

"You look so happy," Esmé added with an approving smile. "Jacob Black is good for you."

"He's the _best_ for me," I replied firmly, then winced as I heard myself, but they all ignored it and came to hug me goodbye, even Rosalie. I blinked back tears again as the vampire scent surrounded me—it brought back every memory, good and bad, in a rush. They politely pretended not to notice.

After I drove away, I made it all the way to the 101 before I started to cry in earnest.

# # #

When I got home, Charlie called, "Hey, kiddo, come in here for a second," from the kitchen.

When I obediently trudged into the room, carrying the cake in both hands, I beheld a tower of gifts resting on the dining room table. An actual tower, stacked in order of size with bows and ribbons decorating the entire affair. I felt my face flush scarlet with shock and embarrassment. "Oh my God, Dad!"

He raised his hands in a gesture of appeasement. "Okay, before you say anything, this isn't just from me. Your mom and Phil went in on it too. And it was your mom's idea, so if you're mad… blame her."

I tried to say something to reassure him, but instead I burst into tears again as I set the cake onto the table beside the presents.

Charlie's eyes went wide with horror. "Oh shi—crap, Bells, I'm so sorry, I-I'll send it all back, just don't cry like that anymore—"

Shaking my head, I threw myself into his arms. "No, Dad, it's _amazing._ Thank you so much." No matter what he'd bought, I knew he would have insisted on paying exactly half, and half of ten presents was a lot on a rural police chief's salary.

His hands carefully patted my back. "Well, you know, you might hate what we got; you haven't even opened them yet." His voice was still nervous, but he was trying to make a joke.

I giggled damply against his shirt. "I already love it because you bought it for me." I knew enough about my dad to realize that if he was uncertain about something, he usually wouldn't attempt it at all. Buying presents without me right there by his side was a huge stretch for him.

When I pulled back to look at his face, he smiled down at me sheepishly. "All right then. Did you get yourself a cake?"

I laughed outright at that. "No! The Cullens flew in to see me and they bought this from Gai's bakery in Port Angeles." Alice had been disappointed that she couldn't make it herself, but short of chartering a flight they hadn't been able to figure out how to get it to me safely.

He grimaced. "They flew in from Los Angeles to wish you a happy birthday?"

I shrugged. "Richer than God. You know."

Charlie nodded—it was true, after all—and gestured toward the presents. "You gonna open those?"

"Of course." I turned and began carefully tugging on the ribbons.

He snorted with laughter. When I turned an inquiring glance his way, he explained, "Just—you've always been that way, even when you were a baby. At your first birthday you did that exact same thing, like you didn't want to mess up the wrapping paper."

I paused in the act of running my finger beneath the tape on the top present. "You were there for my first birthday? You're not in any of the pictures." Renée had a horrifying habit of breaking out my baby book every birthday and forcing me to look through the photographic evidence of my infancy with her.

Charlie smiled again. "Who do you think took 'em all?"

I busied myself folding the paper back to hide the renewed tears. All these years, I had thought he hadn't made the trip.

It turned out they had bought books (the note on the Amazon gift receipt inside _Lone Survivor_ said, "For God's sake, baby, give those classics a rest"), iTunes gift cards, chocolate, and…

"Oh, my _God!_ " I shrieked as I opened up the bottom present and promptly slammed the lid back down again. " _Renée!_ "

Charlie craned his neck, trying to get a better look. "What's that one? This stuff came already wrapped so I didn't know half of what—"

"Trust me, Dad; you _do not_ want to know." I hurriedly gathered up the boxes into my arms, dropping half of them in the process and then scooping them back up. "Thanks so much. I love everything. I'll just—get this out of your way."

"I can help you take that upst—"

" _No!"_ Seeing his confusion grow as I clutched the boxes to my chest, I made an effort to calm my voice. "That's nice of you, but I've got it. Thanks."

I tore up the stairs as quickly as possible, dropped everything on the bed, and then stared down at my mother's last present in disbelief. It was a—God, what were those things even called? Was it a teddy or a negligee? Great. Now I was going to have to Google lingerie terminology and it was all my _mother's_ fault.

I lifted the garment by its shoulder straps and turned it back and forth, trying to figure out which side was the front. Another scrap of lacy black fabric lay in the bottom of the tissue paper. When I pulled it out, I beheld a g-string.

"Holy crow," I moaned. Did Renée think it was actually _Jacob's_ birthday? As if on cue, my cell phone started playing her ringtone.

"Did you love it?" she squealed the instant I answered.

"I did—but Mom, this, this _thing_ you sent—I don't know what to even call it—"

"It's a negligee, baby," she informed me. "I hope you're still the same size. If it's not the right fit you can send it back."

"No, it looks right." It'd be hard for two almost separate panels of gauze held together by the spaghetti straps to _not_ fit. "But mom, I don't know which side is which!"

"The open side, where it's just fastened near your collar bone, is the front."

"Oh." I didn't know what else to say. _I appreciate you helping me expose my boobs before having sex with my boyfriend?_ Ugh. "Thanks for the other stuff, Mom. It's really nice of you and Phil."

"You're welcome, baby. I love you so much. Happy birthday."

It didn't make me cringe, and that made me happy, so I smiled as I told her, "Thanks. I love you too."

# # #

Charlie left the house at eight for work, after making sure I didn't want to go out for dinner (no, I didn't really want to have someone else cook for me when it would mean either driving back to Port Angeles or having the food form a grease ball in the pit of my stomach). I made chicken cordon bleu instead, setting aside enough for four other people in anticipation of Jacob's visit. He sent me a text just after Charlie left: _On my way._

I dashed upstairs to take a shower and de-grease my hair. When I came back down, he was sitting at the table, with all the unopened presents from the Cullens piled up in front of him.

He gave me a half-smile in greeting. "I saw these in the truck bed, so I figured I'd better bring them in. It's going to rain tonight."

The inaccessibility of his expression made fear flutter in my stomach. It was too much like the aftermath of my last birthday. "What's the matter?"

"You told me you didn't want a party."

I nodded slowly, walking across the room to stand between his legs. "Yeah, that's right."

"And you didn't want presents."

"Also true," I agreed, speaking carefully. It was pretty obvious where he was going with this. I braced myself.

"So why in the hell did you let them give you all this shit? Are you worried about my funds or something? Because I'm pretty sure a guy is _supposed_ to get presents for his girlfriend, Bella. Embry says it's a line item in the boyfriend budget."

I wrinkled my eyebrows. "What does that mean?"

"How the hell do I know? But I do know I feel like shit that you didn't let me do this for you and you _did_ let them."

The hurt in his tone made me wince with guilt. "Jake… You can get me a present if you want." I looped my arms around his neck and looked straight into his eyes. "But honestly? It means so, so much to me that you listened to what I wanted instead of doing what you wanted to do. That's one thing the Cullens have almost _never_ done for me. It's better than a gazillion presents."

That got a smile out of him. "Really?"

"Yeah, really." I stepped closer and kissed his forehead. "There's something else I want. If you listened to me about that too, I'd be really happy."

His hands came to rest on my hips as he bowed his head to kiss my shoulder. "Whatever you need, honey."

"I have this new thing my mom sent and I need you to tell me if it's okay or not."

He chuckled against my neck. "New thing? Could you maybe be a little more vague? I don't think I'm curious enough yet."

"C'mon." I grabbed one of his hands and tugged. "Sit on my bed while I get it ready."

Jacob looked mystified, but he followed me willingly enough up the stairs. When he saw the pile of boxes in the corner next to the closet, his expression darkened again. "Bells…"

"They're all from my parents. I couldn't stop them." I gathered up the right box and started to back out of the room. "Just sit down and wait there. I'll be right back, I swear." _As soon as I'm certain I won't pass out on the linoleum between the tub and the toilet._

Once in the bathroom, I stripped and stared at the contents of the box for a second. For some reason, putting them on was scarier than going stark naked.

"All right, Bella," I muttered. "You haven't been a virgin for months now, so quit acting like one."

Then I gritted my teeth as I realized that Jacob had heard every word.

At least he didn't say anything as I donned the negligee and (after putting it on backwards in my first attempt) the g-string. I wiped my sweaty palms off on the hand towel and, avoiding my reflection so I didn't lose my nerve, walked out the door and across the hall to my bedroom. "Is this okay?" I asked as I crossed the threshold.

Jacob's jaw dropped.

That was as good as a "Yes," but I pressed anyway, made bolder by the obvious appreciation written all over his face. "Jake?"

"I can't…" He trailed off to gape some more as I crawled up on the bed next to him and he got a good view of my ass. "Holy fucking shit. Goddamn. Yes. It's fucking awesome, forget okay. Wait. Did you say your _mom_ got this for you?"

I snorted with laughter. "Um, yeah."

"That's _so weird."_ He seemed to dismiss his bemusement, though, opting to stand and take off his clothes instead.

"Don't let the weirdness stop you or anything," I teased as he re-joined me on the bed.

"Honey, I don't think a coven of vampires could stop me right now."

I stroked his hair and kissed him as he lay over me. "Good. Because I think I might have to kill you if you did stop, and then who would protect me?" When he kissed my jaw, I moved my mouth to his ear, running my tongue along its edges while his fingers dug into my waist. "Mm. You taste amazing."

"You're so fucking hot." Jacob lifted aside one panel of the negligee to take my nipple into his mouth.

I whimpered and grabbed onto his shoulders as he sucked and lapped at first one side, then the other. Electric jolts shot through me with every pass of his tongue. "Oh my God, Jake."

His arms trembled the slightest bit under my touch. I knew he was struggling to hold himself back, and that turned me on even more. He'd warned me once, "It could be really dangerous if I ever lost control," and maybe he was right about that, but it didn't stop me from wanting to push him, or from wanting to see if I had that much power over him. I loved to torment him with my mouth, to watch him squeeze his eyes shut and feel him clutch my shoulders while he quaked beneath me.

Not tonight, though. I hadn't let him give me anything else, so I'd let him give me this in the way he wanted. I kept my hands above his waist as I lifted myself against his mouth. There was still plenty to touch, even so: abs, pecs, biceps, shoulders... God, I loved his body. "Please. Please, Jake. Please."

 _His_ hands moved, sliding down to hold my ass while he kissed my chest and moved to my stomach. "Bella." I thought he was just saying my name, but he moved up to my neck and started nipping it, then said it again. "Bella."

"Yeah, Wolfboy?" I ran my fingers through his hair, loving the shudder the action sent through his body.

"I love you so much." He grabbed my waist and rolled with me onto his back, pulling me up so that my breasts were on his mouth level. While I writhed on top of him, he kept talking between kisses. "I'm… so glad… you were born…. and I'm so, _so_ glad… you're still here…"

"Me too," I moaned. Heck yes I was glad, if it meant I got to do this with him anytime I wanted. His lips and tongue were making me lose my mind.

He rolled again, this time putting us on our sides. "And I can't believe this is what I get to do for your birthday." He drew my underwear off, and then pulled one of my legs up, over his waist. I could feel his erection nudging me as I angled closer, but he slipped his hand between my legs. He hummed with approval as I cried out. "So wet... _Seriously_ can't believe I get to do this."

Even when we were in this position, he was still a little above me. I looked up into his eyes, smiling at the love I saw lighting them. "I can't believe it either. Best birthday present ever," I told him, and reached down to guide him. We moaned simultaneously as he slid inside me. "God, you feel so good. Don't stop."

"Jesus, Bella." Jacob rested his forehead against mine, struggling for breath while he moved in and out with shallow strokes. "I don't—I can't—"

Sex with me was one of very few things that could turn Jacob speechless, and the evidence of that fact aroused me like nothing else. I bit my lip and closed my eyes to concentrate on the heat and friction we created. His knee rose and pushed me against him. I moved my hand to feel where we came together. He groaned and cursed when I did, then moved faster.

When I opened my eyes again, the look on his face made me go weak. My arms and legs quivered; my heart felt like it would burst with emotion. "I love you," I gasped. "Oh God, Jake, I love you I love I love you—" And then I couldn't talk anymore, except to say his name over and over again while I came.

He came right after me, clutching my leg so tightly I was pretty sure I'd have permanent dents in my thigh, but I didn't care. I scooted up to kiss his mouth while we both panted. After a few minutes, I burst into giggles.

He was tired—he was _always_ tired—but he smiled and asked, "What?"

"I was just thinking… this beats the _hell_ out of last year's party."

"No shit," he agreed with feeling.

"And I like my present way better."

"Good to know. I've got more of the same thing."

"And I'm really happy that I get to spend my birthday with you. Because you're my best friend."

He nuzzled my nose. "You're mine, too."

"Also, I'm eating that cake now."

He laughed. "I'll split it with you. Good thing the Cullens only touched the box."

"You can have half. That's it," I warned. "Let me get dressed first."

"Hell, no." And, lifting me in his arms, he ran downstairs to finish our celebration.


	6. Jakes POV of Chapter 27: Request

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **For grrlinterrupted, who wanted Jake's POV of chapter 27. Thanks to WolfGirlAtHeart for beta'ing.**
> 
> **Twilight and all its recognizable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer.**
> 
> **# # #**

Bella can't sleep.

I'm trying to ignore the fact, because I'm so tired I can't even think, but I know she can't sleep and it's driving me crazy. She's trying so hard to stay still, and mostly succeeding, but that doesn't help when you can practically _hear_ someone else's thoughts circling around and around in her head and feel waves of tension coming from her and straight into you.

Finally, after the fourteenth repressed sigh, I give in to the inevitable and open my eyes. "What is it, honey?" She's on the other side of the mattress—that's way too far away, so I reach over and pull her against me.

"Can I ask you something?" she wants to know, cuddling into my side and putting her arm over mine. Her little hand is trembling when she puts it on my shoulder. That means she's about to ask me to do something for her—it's so weird that she still gets nervous about that. Hasn't she figured out I can't tell her no about anything?

"Mm," I say anyway, because clearly neither of us is going to get any rest until she gets this off her chest.

When she speaks, it's in a breathless, squeaky rush. "Do you want to have sex with me?"

What. The. _Fuck?_

Am I dreaming right now? I mean, okay, it _seems_ pretty real, because her heart's pounding so hard it sounds like there's a bass drummer on speed next to me. But then again, the time I dreamed she came into my room and started giving me a lap dance to "Promiscuous" seemed pretty damn real too until I saw that tattoo on the small of her back. (What the hell was up with that thing, anyway? Who gets the Green Power Ranger on their spine?)

All right. I'll put this to the test. "Like, now?" I manage to croak out. If she says, "No, in a few months, but let's talk it to death till then," I'll know it's real-Bella. If she says, "Yes, now," I'll know this is another product of my sick mind . . . and totally give in to the illusion.

"No!" she exclaims, and I almost breathe a sigh of relief before she adds, "I mean, kind of. Yes. Now."

Aaand now I can't close my mouth. I just keep staring, waiting for her to turn into the Easter Bunny and hop away, out of this bizarrely real fantasy.

But then she tears up, and I realize it's real just as she says, "Okay, I guess I've got my answer. Sorry to wake you up," and starts to roll away from me.

Oh shit. I suck. I grab her and pull her against me before she can start totally hating me. "No! No, Bells, no. Don't… I'm sorry, I was just so surprised. It feels like I'm in a dream or something. It wouldn't be the first time I've thought it was real and..." She's crying into my shoulder, and I can't believe I did that to her. "Oh, baby, don't. I'm so sorry." Holy fuck. Bella Swan just asked me to have sex with her. She really did. I kiss the top of her head and rub her arm until she stops shaking, and then I can ask, "Why are you awake and thinking about that right now? You're so tired; you were passed out on wet grass tonight."

"I'm scared, Jake," she says into my shoulder. "You're about to go fight all these vicious, insanely strong vampires for me, and you could _die._ It's so freaking scary I can barely breathe. And… I want to do it. I'd want to do it anyway, but right now I really, really want to do it, because if something happens—"

Okay, no. Not gonna happen tonight. Sorry, massive hard-on that's making it almost impossible to think straight. "Nothing is going to happen. Except we're going to rip apart a bunch of crazy leeches. That's it. You shouldn't do this because—"

"That's such bull, Jake!"

Okay, maybe tonight? Stand by for further instructions, hard-on.

"I want to do this with you!" She's mad now, flushed and scowling, and so damn cute. "I'd want to do it if you were just Jake and I was just Bella and there were no monsters and no magic to deal with at all. I want you to be my first." Before I can give her any shit about what she means by that, she bites her lip and clarifies, "I mean, I want you to be my last, too. I just want _you,_ okay? Plus, if anything did happen, _not_ doing it wouldn't exactly be a comfort or anything. 'Oh, gee, I'm so glad I didn't sleep with the guy who loved me _more than his own life;_ that would've been a tragedy! At least I'm still a virgin, yay!'"

I can't stop laughing. She's hilarious when she gets mad at me. At least it doesn't piss her off even more; she starts giggling after a second. The problem is, she has no idea what she's asking. I can take on a whole horde of newborn leeches for her, but I'm not sure I can keep her safe from what I've become.

I haven't told her, because it sounds so stupid, but I scared the shit out of myself the first time we fooled around. Actually, it was the wolf that scared the shit out of me. That was the first time I even kissed a girl since I phased and . . . Sometimes I hate myself now. I hated myself that morning, when I saw how I hurt her, how I let it get control of me and mark her up like she was a _thing_ I owned. And that isn't even taking into account the _last_ time . . . I didn't ask her if she was on anything, which I never would have done before, and it wasn't until I got home that morning that I realized why. Because that animal inside me _wanted_ to get her pregnant, like proving I could knock her up would say something great about the son of a bitch. It was sick and wrong and I can barely stand to think about it even now, when I need to, while she's asking me to do this.

That doesn't change the fact that she needs to know my hesitating isn't about her. "Okay, I see your point. Bells, you know I want to—"

She sounds a little hysterical when she cuts me off. "I'm not so sure right now, Jake. I seriously can _not_ believe I'm having to talk you into this. What _is_ it with me and the guys in my life not wanting to have sex with me? What's wrong with this picture? I'm, like, the anti-sex. Even if I live for a century I'll die a virgin."

I can't stop myself from snorting. That's just ridiculous and there's no way she doesn't know it. "Please, honey. I can't even touch you without getting hard enough to punch through sheet metal. Don't tell me you haven't noticed." She does the pouty shoulder-jerk. Damn. So cute. (I've got to quit thinking that or the guys'll never stop giving me a hard time.) "Yeah, you know it's true."

"I do, so, what's the hold-up here?" she demands. "It's either now or in a sleeping bag during whatever Alice meant when she mentioned 'the storm,' and let me tell you that, besides you, there is no way I'm doing it around people with supernatural hearing. Or, even worse, Edward; I would never torture anybody that way."

Goddamn it, the minute she says his name it's all over. _Mine,_ snarls the voice in my head, and I can't even tell if it's the human me or the wolf me as I roll over on top of her. _Edward._ That motherfucker. Never torture anybody that way, my ass; after the way he hurt her I hope he feels like he's cracked into gravel the next time he smells her, because he's going to smell me _in_ her too.

Fuck.

_Not about him not about him not about him._ This is about her. This is about us. "Okay," I tell her.

"Okay?" she whispers, and that's when I realize she honestly thought I wouldn't want her.

"Of course okay." I kiss her, probably still too damn hard but for Christ's sake, I'm only half human, so give me a minute. "Of course I want you." How can she still even wonder that? Well, guess I'll prove it once and for all tonight. "I've wanted you since I saw you on First Beach. Do you really think I'm going to turn down the girl I've been dreaming about for more than a year when she's begging me to sleep with her? I'm a good guy, but I'm not _that_ good. Not if you don't want me to be. I'm here to be . . ." Okay, I think I've got enough control to use my teeth a little; I know she really likes that. When I nip at her neck she shudders. Holy _shit_ she smells so good when she's this turned on. "Whatever you need." That actually sounds normal, like I can breathe and everything.

"I need you to be the guy who has sex with me," she says, again with the squeaky voice, and if she keeps talking like that I might come before I ever see her naked.

I'm laughing at myself when I tell her, "Okay. I'm good with that. Don't you want to get something to put under us, though? It's gonna get . . . um . . ." I don't want to scare her, but at the same time, "I know you really like these sheets."

She doesn't say anything, just slides on her stomach out from underneath me and hangs off the edge of the bed for a second, and then pops back up with a towel in her hand. Thank God I don't have to spell it out for her. "Is this okay?" she wants to know as she spreads it out.

"Whatever you don't mind getting ruined." Yes, shit, I wouldn't give a fuck if it was the Shroud of Turin right—hold on. "Is that a _unicorn?_ "

"Shut up! I was ten!" Being mad doesn't stop her from lying down on top of the thing like she's getting on an exam table at the doctor's office, though. Okay. Guess she really _is_ ready.

"Hey, you've seen my G.I. Joe sheets, and I still use those if I haven't done laundry in a while." _Mine,_ says the voice in my head as I hover over her. _Hers,_ I correct it, because if there's one thing Bella's been all about these past couple months it's being her own person. I can feel it growl in response, but I shove it down as deep as it'll go as I kiss her neck again. No. This is going to be Jake-and-Bells, not some sick triangle with a carnivore at one of its points. She's saying something, but I don't know what, because I just want to get her naked and that's pretty much taking up what's left of my brain space. "Can we take your shirt off now?"

She's cool with that, so I take it off, and there are Bella's tits right in my face. Her hands twitch like they want to cover up, and I can't have that, so I say, "Look at you. You're so damn beautiful." It's nothing but the truth; she's practically glowing in the light from the streetlamp outside, though I know it seems dark to her.

That reassures her enough so that she can move. She runs her fingers down my chest to my stomach; it feels like she's drawing fire on my skin. "So are you."

I lower my head to lick around her breast and— _Jesus._ She tastes amazing. Yeah, I've got to be careful or I'm going to make her look worse than she did the first time. I hope she can't feel me shaking with the effort of holding back when I take her nipple into my mouth. Once I get started, though, it's easier, because I can feel her response, and that tells me I'm doing the right thing. She needs slow, so I can give it to her that way . . . as long as I remember to keep checking the time display that's blinking on her cell phone every time I come up to kiss her mouth. I forget which one of the guys was thinking about that—probably Jared—but it's pretty useful because even thirty seconds feels like forever when all I want to do is bury myself inside her.

Bella doesn't seem to notice; she's moving her hands all over me and saying my name over and over again whenever I leave her mouth free to talk. Okay. It's been ten minutes. Please let that be long enough to get her underwear off because I am _dying_ to see her. I slide my hands down her back to her ass—I haven't spent nearly enough time holding on to that, I'll have to remedy that situation later—and slide off her panties as slowly as I can, because I know she's going to freak the second she realizes she's naked, and I have to have at least one good look. I freeze for a second when I get down to her ankles because I can't look away from between her legs— _fuuuck—_ but then with a massive effort I lift my gaze to her face and see her eyes, wide with nerves. Right. Virgin. Time enough to look later, assuming I do this right and don't turn her off of sex for life.

I lay over her, covering her whole body as quickly as I can, and I can feel the tension drain out of her just the way it always does when we touch. She's relaxed enough now to start kissing my neck, and I do the same to her, talking to her because I know she gets nervous when I'm quiet. I don't even know what I'm saying, her name and a bunch of other stuff that probably makes no sense, but then she slides her hand down to my cock and—

"Ah, God," I gasp out, but I can barely talk as all the blood rushes out of my head and straight underneath her palm. Shit. I'm grabbing her ribs too hard. Just as I'm about to let go, though, she moves her other hand down to join the first and rubs again and I've got to reach to make her stop, _again,_ before I humiliate myself. "That's enough; you make me insane and I—" Somehow she twists one hand under mine until she can grasp and pull. " _Jesus,_ Bella!"

"Don't you like it?" she teases, pretending like she's worried about me, and okay, now that it's a game I've got a better hold on things, no pun intended.

"It's awful, never do it again," I growl as I slip my hand between her legs, because I know that voice really turns her on, and sure enough, she gets wetter while I'm still talking. God, God, God, I have no idea how I'm going to hang on long enough, but I _have_ to. I slide one finger inside her, rubbing her clit at the same time with the heel of my hand, and she just about jolts off the mattress. Whoa. Nice to know the effect she has on me isn't a one-way street. Still, she started it, so I have to get her back by saying, "Don't _you_ like it?"

She glares at me. "Yes, I like it, you _bastard,_ it's perfect, why are you stopping, don't _stop,_ Jake—"

I laugh at her. "Language, Bells. This is supposed to be a sacred mo—" She grabs my cock again and I almost lose it. "Oh—oh—holy _fuck_!"

"That'll teach you." She's still pissed, which is damn funny considering where my hand is, but that's Bella for you. Of course, if she does that again, I'll probably die of embarrassment after I get done shooting my wad, so I'd better just apologize.

"Okay, sorry." I start moving again, and she does too, lifting herself against my hand and nearly shouting before she grits her teeth together. Thank Christ, this won't take long at all if she keeps that up. I bet all I have to do is—I fasten my mouth on her nipple again, she digs her fingers into my hair, and it isn't more than a minute or two before her thighs clamp on my wrist and she sobs, convulsing around my finger.

I can't believe I get to make Bella come. Any second now, I'm going to wake up.

Except I'm still here, in her bed, and she's gasping and shaking, and I'm taking off my shorts and finally, finally moving between her legs, where I've been wanting to be for, oh, a year or so. "Seriously, Bells, just like a _dream,_ " I tell her. "Do you know how bad I've wanted to do this with you?" Stupid question; there's no way she can understand.

She thinks she does, though. "Probably about as bad as I've wanted to do it with _you_."

Oh honey. You have no idea. I laugh at her and say, "More, and for way, way longer," as I slip just the head in.

_Holy motherfucking shit._

I can't tell if it's going bareback or not having had sex in a year or the fact that this is _Bella_ all around me that's making me feel like I'm going to explode just from this. Maybe it's all three. Still—I slide in a little more, and . . . Yeah. There it is. I really don't want to think about Julia right now, but it's impossible _not_ to remember how awful/awesome it was, feeling bad about feeling so good while her face contorted and she tried not to cry beneath me. I really, really don't want to make Bella cry. Or throw up when she smells the blood.

No going back now. "I'm sorry, honey," I tell her, and slide home, feeling her give inside. She flinches, a full-body twitch, and bites her lip. I stop and wait, counting to a hundred by threes and trying not to think about how _tight_ and _soft_ and _slick and ooooohh God thirty-six, thirty-nine, forty-two—_

I can't see her face, so I push her hair back and she tilts her head up to look at me.

She's smiling. _Smiling._ And not a "I hurt like hell but I'm being brave for you" smile, but a "I'm so relieved I feel okay" smile. I want to smile back, but I'm afraid to believe it. She lifts up her legs and runs her hands up and down my sides. "Jake," she says, and her voice is normal, _happy_ even, and I can start to believe it. "You feel _so good._ "

"You, too," I say. Now that I know she's all right it's getting harder and harder to think at all. I try to say something else but when I move she grinds herself against me and _fuck, fuck, fuck it feels so good_ and I know I should be gentle but it's so fucking hard when she's clutching me and whispering how much she loves me and lifting up to meet me and all I can do is grab her shoulders and hang on until I can't anymore and I shove all the way up and then I'm falling apart inside Bella Swan.

Oh, shit, I have no idea how long I've been crushing her into the mattress. I roll over and bring her with me, still joined together because I don't want that to end before it has to. She crosses her arms to keep her chin from digging into my chest and grins. God, I'm so tired now. "Hey, beautiful," I tell her, and rub her cheek with the back of my hand. Soft skin. Girls are so cool.

"Hey yourself," she says.

She still sounds fine, but I have to make sure. "Are you feeling okay? You weren't just pretending it didn't hurt, were you?"

She shakes her head no. "It really didn't, after a second. Promise. I feel good still." She moves her hips, and it feels like she just shocked me all the way from where I'm still inside her to my toes. "We should do that again."

She's amazing. I tell her so, and she laughs, but I mean every word.

After I get us cleaned up—that's the one thing that's nice about a condom, but no way I'd ever go back—she snuggles back against me and says, "Thanks, Jake. For—you know."

I want to tell her thanks for making my entire life, but I don't want her to get all serious before we fall asleep, so instead I say, "Yeah, it was really tough, but I'm glad I could take one for the team."

The last thing I feel before I fall asleep is her girl-punching me in the shoulder.

**# # #**

**The other outtake is in the Outtakes in my profile. Chapter four. It's Jake POV too: I Wanna Be Jacob's Imprint wanted to know about the nicknames the guys came up with for Bella's hand.**


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